Female At Large

Spring Fever

2009-03-25T18:14:00.001-05:00

It's spring and I have the Fever -- you know, that nagging, insatiable urge compelling you to turn your life upside down and do a little wandering. I've always had crazy ideas, but never the stones to act on them. But this fever has imbued me with a boldness I've never known before. Suddenly, my craziest ideas seem like the sanest ones I've ever had. Here's my to-do list for spring:

1. Sell all my possessions and travel the country on my bicycle.

2. Buy a bicycle.

3. Dye my hair purple.

4. Join the circus.

5. Become a cruise ship performer.

6. Become a Buddhist nun.

7. Tattoo my entire body.

8. Pretend to have amnesia, move to another town, and adopt a new identity.

9. Become a mascot for an NBA team.

10. Host my own TV talk show.

The Top 10 Things I Learned This Week

2008-05-10T22:46:00.000-05:00

1. There are between 46 million and 80 million "Gen-Xers" in the United States, depending on which expert you listen to.Ants can survive the microwave.

2. Too much chocolate can be a very, very bad thing.

3. Arts education helps improve learning retention, raise test scores and give children self-confidence.

4. Trust and confidence in top leadership at an organization is the single most reliable predictor of employee satisfaction.

5. Sexual harassment on the job violates Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964.

6. Ants can survive the microwave.

7. Don't make investment decisions solely on the performance of the Dow Jones.

8. The number one sales strategy is focusing only on what the customer needs.

9. Public art improves quality of life in a community.

10. The $150 billion economic stimulus package is only about 1.2 percent of the GDP.

Never too late?

2008-03-11T23:49:00.000-05:00

"It's never too late to be who you might have been."
George Eliot, author

"Yes there are two paths that you can go on, but in the long run, there's still time to change the road you're on."
Led Zeppelin, rock group, "Stairway to Heaven."

"It's not too late, it's never too late."
Three Days Grace, rock group, "Never Too Late."

So maybe I don't have to be the same person I've always been. Maybe it's not too late to wake up and reverse course. Maybe I can be wild and crazy and turn my whole life upside down. Plenty of other people have done it, and the earth didn't spin off its axis. Maybe it's the impending arrival of spring, maybe I've had too much chocolate, or maybe people really can change -- whatever the cause, I have an overwhelming, all-consuming desire to be the complete opposite of who I've always been. To just play a little, try on different personas until I find one that fits. Maybe every decision doesn't have to be a matter of life and death, maybe it's okay to follow my whims instead of agonizing over what the "proper" thing to do is, or whether people will be shocked or disappointed in me if I start being myself for a change. Maybe there really is a light at the end of the tunnel, if only I can find the courage to follow it.

Trusting my (Reporter's) Instinct

2007-11-11T11:45:00.000-06:00

Rule of Journalism #1: Always trust your Reporter’s Instinct.

Lately, I’ve been having doubts about my “nose for news.” My interviews all sound the same--same tried-and-true, middle-of-the-road questions, same well-rehearsed, self-serving answers, no matter who I’m interviewing. I’m covering the same kinds of stories, interviewing the same people over and over and over again. I was afraid I’d lost my edge, that maybe I’d asked and written everything I had in me. But at last, I am redeemed: my Reporter’s Instinct has not abandoned me!

Several months ago, I wrote here about my suspicions regarding one of my neighbors, whom I nicknamed The Prophet. (See “It’s always the quiet ones...”). Anyway, from the day I moved to this block, I was convinced this man was up to something. Something nefarious. Something diabolical. I thought he was some kind of cult leader or something. I still don’t know what he was doing, but I know he was doing something: a few weeks ago, the police came and took him away in handcuffs, and he hasn’t been back since. His disciples still meet at his house for their Sunday service, and a couple of them regularly spend the night. During these nocturnal gatherings, I see strange blue lights and eerie shadows, but I don’t think I want to know what they are. I’m assuming his second-in-command stepped up to fill the void, and carry out whatever sinister plan they’ve been hatching over there.

Frankly, though, I’m more concerned about the way The Prophet disappeared than I am about what he was doing. It was like something out of a movie--the police come and whisk him away, and he’s never seen again. They never searched his house, never removed any evidence. His car is still parked out front. His congregation still gathers just as nothing ever happened. Since the police took him away, it would seem he must have committed a crime. But if he committed a crime, why didn’t they search his house? Shouldn’t they have carted our dozens of little official-looking bags marked “evidence”? My lifelong obsession with mystery novels has given me no insight into this perplexing puzzle. If Miss Marple were here, she’d have this figured out before teatime.

Unfortunately, I was not written into existence by Agatha Christie, so I share none of Miss Marple’s intellect or insight. However, I do have my trusty Reporter’s Instinct, and my nose for news is working overtime on this one. With some patience and a little digging, I’m sure I can find the truth. But if I, too, mysteriously disappear, please don’t call the police. Instead, call Miss Marple. And make her a nice cup of tea.

Turning Leaves

2007-11-03T20:26:00.000-05:00

Leaves

2007-10-31T12:31:00.000-05:00

It's always the quiet ones...

2007-06-02T17:29:00.000-05:00

I call him The Prophet.

He lives across the street, in a small, plain, shabby house. He drives a plain, small, shabby car. He is a plain, small, quiet man, whose clothes are always pressed and whose lawn is perpetually mowed. He creeps me out.

I believe he has his own cult, which meets every Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday, and I have yet to figure out how he fits all those people into a tiny two-bedroom frame house. His followers are evidently very wealthy; their clothes have that lush, soft, well-draped look that you only find at stores where a belt costs $500. Their Lexuses, Escalades and Range Rovers sit bumper-to-bumper in a gleaming line by the curb, making passage nearly impossible. Why would such well-heeled parishioners flock to a humble little home-based church, instead of some well-appointed cathedral with a skyward-reaching steeple? What is this man’s allure? Whatever it is, it must surely be sinister.

They start arriving about an hour before their service, or ritual, or whatever it is, begins. The women’s headdresses and robes are swirled blue, yellow, green and red. Then men dress in black. For a while, they meander around the front of the house, yelling from car to car, the kids playing ball out front. Then, they are gone, and from inside comes the thud-thud-thudding of drum music, sometimes accompanied by chanting. This can last for hours.

For the seven months I have lived in this house, I have been obsessed by this event. I blame it on my writer-ness: we are compulsively nosy, partly out of sheer curiosity, but primarily because only by understanding what makes other people tick can we accurately portray human life. I need to know what goes on in that house. I need to know because without this knowledge, I cannot evolve as a writer.

And I am not alone. Twice I saw a man, dressed in a suit and trenchcoat, loitering around The Prophet’s house. The first time, he spoke on his cell phone for a while before going to the door. No one was home, so he went to talk to the neighbor, who was outside because of a power outage on the block. He left, visiting no other houses. He came back about a week later, and I haven’t seen him since. Then a few weeks later, The Prophet’s car was vandalized in the middle of the night. In my city, late night vandalism sprees targeting an entire block or neighborhood are not uncommon. In this case, only The Prophet’s car was hit.

What if I have been right all along? What if there are all kinds of nefarious goings-on being perpetrated at that little white house across the street? Will they be thwarted before whatever evil scheme they are hatching is launched? Or, like so many of the other malevolent plots I’ve stumbled upon, will this prove to be the product of too little sleep, too much chocolate, and way too many crime shows and horror movies?

Request for Prayers

2007-02-11T03:58:00.000-06:00

Writing this blog means a lot to me, but I haven't posted in several months because I've been focusing my energy on family problems. Right now, my grandmother is in a coma and on a ventilator, and the doctors have given up hope. It would mean a great deal to me if anyone who is in strong in their faith, whatever faith it might be, could pray for her recovery.

My Petunias

2006-10-07T14:10:00.000-05:00

Why do I write?

2006-09-20T14:55:00.000-05:00

Because I want to leave proof that I was here.

I may be paranoid...

2006-05-24T23:49:00.000-05:00

...but they are all out to get me.

I know a conspiracy when I see one. Everywhere I turn, there they are, those evil tools of the Devil--grammatical errors. Why does no one know the difference between its / it’s, they’re / their, or who / whom? It may seem a petty thing to obsess over, but it’s an occupational hazard I can’t escape. I am a reporter, after all, and after several years of spending my days worrying if I’ve punctuated properly or observed subject-verb agreement, I can’t seem to think of anything else. And they know that. How cruel, how low, to use my weakness against me like that!

It happens so often that I know it can’t be accidental. They’re trying to drive me insane. Why else would 95 percent of the population insist on committing every one of the Seven Deadly Grammatical Sins. (Actually, I think there are more like 100, but seven sounds better. Artistic license, and all that.) I can’t even read a book, my lifelong refuge, without being assaulted by typos of all shapes and sizes. Is nothing sacred anymore? Every page has at least one sentence missing an “a,” or a “the,” and there are so many misspellings I’m convinced monkeys must have written the damn thing. Wait...what I am thinking? Monkeys probably would do a better job.

But that’s not the worst offense. I am alarmed by another growing trend--the indiscriminate use of quotation marks. Quotation marks play an important role: they enclose (shock!) quotations. For example: “I love this woman!” shouted Tom Cruise, as he somersaulted across Oprah’s stage. They also identify titles: Vlad’s favorite poem is “The Raven,” by Edgar Allen Poe. However, an increasing number of people are using them just for the heck of it. For example: the take-out restaurant whose ad says “free” delivery, or the dry cleaner whose sign proclaims “lowest” prices in town. That doesn’t even make sense. What are they trying to say? It drives me crazy. But I shouldn’t feel sorry for myself. I should feel bad for the poor, overworked quotation mark. It must feel so cheap and unappreciated, to be thrown carelessly around like that. Have some respect, will you?

I’ve taken it for as long as I can. Disrespecting the English language that way--it’s sacrilege! I know you all think you’re so clever. Taunting me, planting your wicked little typos all over the place, where you know I’ll see them. Well, I’m pretty clever, too. You see, I know who you are, and I know how to find you. And, I have spies hidden all over the place--just when you least expect it, I will have my revenge. So the next time you see an innocent looking comma, think again. It may actually be one of my minions, lying in wait...

Call me...Woodward and Bernstein

2006-02-03T20:59:00.000-06:00

So, I had this silly idea: I was tired of writing fluff pieces. After all, I didn’t go to college for I-don’t-want-to-admit-how-long just to spend my life giving decorating tips to businesses or writing profiles (glorified press releases) about our biggest advertisers. Wasn’t I supposed to be a reporter?

And then I saw this ad: “Political magazine needs aggressive, tenacious journalists who will stop at nothing to get the story.” Why, that sounded just like me! Dazzled by visions of Woodward and Bernstein, I applied, even though I was pitifully underqualified. However, a couple of weeks later, I got The Call. It was a last-minute assignment, but one that paid very well, so I took it. Only then did I realize I was in way over my head. Me, a political reporter? God (or Buddha, or Goddess, or your favorite deity) have mercy on us all!

After I stopped hyperventilating, I started calling. I needed quotes, fast. I had one day to churn out a 1,000 word article about an issue I’d never heard of. Apparently there was this ballot question in this other state, and there was a lot of controversy, and everyone was pointing fingers, and the bill failed anyway, and now everyone’s ticked off about the whole sordid affair. Or something like that. Worst of all, it was a bipartisan issue. Despite my political ignorance, I knew what this meant: the opposing parties would use me to insult their opponents.

To protect their identity, I will not refer to the political parties by their official names. Instead, I’ll call them “The Jets” and “The Sharks.” The Jets supported the issue. They were, well, pissed that it had failed. And, they blamed their opponents for confusing voters and dooming the issue. The Sharks thought the whole thing was a dumb idea that never should have made it to the ballot. Neither side made much sense to me. They spoke in a haphazard string of political lingo, full of pretty, but empty, words. Political double-speak. I recognized it. It was eerily similar to the corporate double-speak I listened to all day for those fluff pieces.

I consulted a political expert with excellent credentials, hoping for a clear-headed, objective voice. He was obviously very smart. And he obviously loved to talk about politics. And talk. And talk. And use very, very big words. Now, I don’t have anything against big words. In fact, some of my best friends are very big words. But, they’re usually along the lines of chiaroscuro, schadenfreude, or albedo. I don’t like big words of the political variety. They scare me.

By now, the hamster in my head was spinning furiously on its wheel. I had less than 24 hours to translate a bunch of big, fluffy, but ultimately meaningless quotes into a hard-hitting investigative piece. Can you say sunk? Midnight came and went, and by dawn I wanted to forget politicians even existed. I began to nod off. And then I had this dream: We had rounded up all of the politicians and shipped them off to a deserted island, a la Survivor. We made them build their own huts and forage for their own food. It was very entertaining.

My deadline closing in on me, I struggled to pull myself together. Muse, oh muse, where are you? I began to mutter...must write must write must write...

Fortunately, an imminent deadline has one advantage: it drags the muse out of hiding and makes him do his job. Those fluffy quotes began to arrange themselves on the page, and, to my shock, what they formed was semi-coherent. Maybe the journalistic gods hadn’t abandoned me after all! I did meet my deadline (by half an hour), and though I didn’t particularly enjoy my political diversion, I learned a lot. And, it spawned one of my most brilliant ideas yet. Now, I just have to figure out how to lure George Bush, Congress, and the entire political system to a deserted island...

Disappointing Discovery

2006-01-25T18:31:00.000-06:00

Astronomers today announced they have discovered yet another planet outside our Solar System. I was very excited until they said it was Earth-like. There goes our last shot at finding intelligent life anywhere in the universe.

You Are Here - Solar System
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Last Wish

2005-11-18T22:48:00.000-06:00

If I'm a really good human, can I be reincarnated as a cat or dog?

Little Moon

2005-11-05T19:53:00.000-06:00

Fun With Ms. Science

2005-09-12T01:15:00.000-05:00

For years, I suppressed my scientific tendencies. Outwardly, I shunned all things scientific or mathematical. They were too abstract, too dry, too intellectually demanding for my feeble brain, which clearly preferred art. I was a writer. I was an actor. I just “didn’t have a head for math or science.” Secretly, though, I was enthralled by science and its promise to unravel the greatest mysteries of the universe. I gazed at the stars by night, and was mesmerized by the wonders of photosynthesis by day. Now, that childhood fascination has returned.

As I mentioned in a previous post, my inner science geek has awakened, and she refuses to go back to sleep. Rather than fight this surprising development in my personality, I have embraced it. For the past several months, I have devoted myself to as intensive a study of science as I could squeeze in around my writing, reporting and dog, cat and bird parenting duties. Because I believe information is more valuable when it’s shared, I have decided to pass along some of what I’ve learned. As cynical as I like to believe I am, I can’t resist saying “Gee whiz!” to much of it.

Cool Science Facts:

1. Albert Einstein left a blueprint for traveling to the future. (I should be marveling at the possibility of knowing what Earth will be like in 10 million years, but my annoying practical side just wants to look far enough into the future to find out if I’ll pay off my credit debt. Wait--I don’t need physics to know that’s highly improbable. Oh well.)

2. Two particles, separated by hundreds or even millions of miles, can be entwined so that they do the same thing at the same time despite their physical distance. Physicists call this entanglement. Einstein called it spooky. I prefer Einstein’s definition.

3. The Solar System formed about 4.5 billion years ago. (About the same time I last did laundry.)

4. It is believed that a collision with an asteroid caused the extinction of the dinosaurs about 65 million years ago.

5. The Sun controls the seasons, ocean currents and weather on Earth.

Desperately Seeking: My Sense of Humor

2005-08-15T02:20:00.000-05:00

I’ve looked under the rug. I’ve checked under the couch cushions. I’ve even emptied out all of the cabinets, but I can’t find it anywhere. Maybe it ran away. But why? Was I that terrible to live with? I tried looking on the Internet. It wasn’t there. It’s not listed in the phone book. Maybe I should put up flyers: “Missing, Sense of Humor. Large Reward. Last seen...” Wait, I don’t remember the last time I saw it. Maybe I should check the lost and found. Or the morgue. Or the hospitals. Maybe it has amnesia and doesn’t remember where it belongs.

Sense of humor, if you’re out there: Please come home. I promise not to take you for granted anymore.

Anyone speak cat?

2005-08-04T00:46:00.000-05:00

Today my cat threw up on my library books. I suspect he was making a snide comment about my efforts to broaden my horizons.

Words I Wish I Could Use More Often

2005-07-08T02:26:00.000-05:00

Words, words, sweet beautiful words! What would I do without you?

I love words. All words, really, but a few in particular. Unfortunately, these are words you don't have much call for in newswriting. I've yet to figure out how to work "nifty" into an article about lupus, for example. So, I'm including all of those underused, underrated, underappreciated words here, where they can finally have their much-deserved 15 minutes of fame. Maybe someday, someone out there will come to love them as much as I do.

1. persnickety

2. curmudgeon

3. percolate

4. dirigible

5. dulcimer

6. nifty

7. nefarious

8. sepulchre

9. squark

10. neutrino

Today's Quotes:

"I would hurl words into the darkness and wait for an echo. If an echo sounded, no matter how faintly, I would send other words to tell, to march, to fight."
--Richard Wright, author

"The words! I collected them in all shapes and sizes and hung them like bangles in my mind."
--Hortense Calisher, author

F.A.Q.

2005-06-10T11:10:00.000-05:00

I have some of the best readers in the Blogosphere. They’re funny, and they don’t hesitate to ask questions or offer feedback. In fact, they’re one of my favorite parts of having a blog. Unfortunately, I rarely have time to answer their questions, so I thought it only fair to devote an entire post to addressing their queries. I picked a few of the best questions, and here are my answers:

Q: Where did you come up with the name Female at Large?
A: It’s what the police called me when they issued that all points bulletin.

Q: Why don’t you use your real identity? Are you a spy?
A: I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.

Q: If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
A: A weeping willow.

Q: Did you always want to be a journalist?
A: No, actually. When I was very young, I wanted to join the circus, but they informed me that they no longer make use of circus freaks.

Q: If you won $1 million, what would you do?
A: Buy my own private island, where I could carry out my secret, diabolical experiments without interference.

Q: If you could be doing anything you wanted right now, what would it be?
A: Swimming in a sea of chocolate, with a glazed donut as a life preserver and a chocolate eclair as a life raft and...wait...what was the question again?

Q: Did you have a nickname when you were a kid?
A: Little Miss Encyclopedia. (That was before I lost all those brain cells and got stupid.)

Q: What’s your guilty pleasure?
A: You mean I can only have one?!

Q: OK, so what’s one of your guilty pleasures?
A: The Simpsons. (It may look like a simple little cartoon, but it’s brilliant social commentary as far as I’m concerned.)

Q: What’s your greatest accomplishment?
A: I’ve been chocolate-free for one whole week!

Awakening My Inner Science Geek

2005-05-29T14:42:00.000-05:00

Never ask a reporter something unless you really want to know the answer. It’s kind of like a compulsion with us--if someone raises a question, we are pre-programmed to embark on a quest for the answer, not stopping until we have ferreted out the truth.

And I’m the best (worst?) example of this peculiarity. Why, just the other day, an acquaintance asked me a very innocent question: “What keeps Earth in orbit around the sun?” Now, I have a basic understanding of this concept. It’s gravity, of course. I learned that in grade school. But what is gravity? Why does it keep Earth in orbit around the sun? Uh-oh. As a reporter, I lack the capacity to be satisfied by such a simple answer. I have to know every detail. To this end, I set out on a search for an in-depth understanding of gravity.

The situation was made worse by the fact that I am science-prone. By this, I mean that I have always had a deep and hypnotic fascination with all things scientific. As a child, I was enthralled by astronomy and archaeology. I wanted to discover a new comet, unearth the lost city of Atlantis, find proof of intelligent life in the universe. (To date, I am still consumed by the fruitless quest to find intelligent life on my own planet. But I digress.) I long ago abandoned these missions, in favor of more practical pursuits. I became a journalist, and the answers I sought were more along the lines of: What’s the best way to choose a name for your business? What are the benefits of outsourcing? How many jobs will the new refinery bring to the state?

My friend’s seemingly benign question, however, awakened my inner science geek, and this time there was no turning back. Recently, I have immersed myself in books about physics and astronomy, and I have no intention of coming back to Earth anytime soon. Frankly, I like it better out here. And who knows, maybe I will at last find signs of intelligent life. I won’t hold my breath, though.

TODAY'S QUOTES:

“Touch a scientist and you touch a child.”
Ray Bradbury, author (from the LA Times, August 1976)

“The most wonderful discovery made by scientists is science itself.”
Jacob Bronowski, mathematician, scientist (from A Sense of the Future New American Library 77.)

What the world needs now...

2005-05-20T02:25:00.000-05:00

The highlight of my day: seeing two ladybugs making whoopee in the mulberry tree in my backyard.

TODAY'S QUOTE:

"Love is life. All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love. Everything is, everything exists, only because I love. Everything is united by it alone. Love is God, and to die means that I, a particle of love, shall return to the general and eternal source."

Leo Tolstoy (1828–1910), Russian novelist, philosopher. Prince Andrew, in War and Peace, bk. 12, ch. 4 (1868-1869).

If It Weren't For Bad Luck...

2005-05-14T10:39:00.000-05:00

This week:

I was informed by one of my clients that the check for which I sent an invoice three weeks ago had still not been mailed. (I'm sure the bill collectors will take that into consideration.)
My car broke down. ($1,600 to repair.)
My CD-ROM drive bit the dust.
And to add insult to injury, I broke a nail. Will this torment never cease?!?

Maybe I'll just stay in bed next week.

Subjects I'm Currently Writing About

2005-05-12T07:28:00.000-05:00

Astronomy
Meteorology
Business Outsourcing
Dog Breeds

No wonder I'm so confused all the time...

What I Wish My Horoscope Would Say

2005-05-09T01:44:00.000-05:00

“Congratulations! Today is the first day of the rest of your life! From now on, your life will be perfect. Your career will take off, and you will achieve the kind of success mere mortals can only dream about. You will be rich, famous and respected. You will be idolized and adored. You will enjoy perfect health the rest of your life, with not even so much as a sniffle. You will be blissfully happy, and accomplish great things. You will win a Pulitzer, an Oscar, a Tony and a Nobel Prize. You will unify quantum theory and general relativity to find that holy grail of physics--the Theory of Everything. You will explain how the universe works, and will uncover the true cause of all paranormal phenomena. You will cure the public of its obsession with Paris Hilton. You will finally settle the debate between creationism and evolution. You will develop a cure for every disease, and will unlock the key to immortality. You will uncover the true identity of Jack the Ripper, find out who killed the Black Dahlia and determine what really happened to Jimmy Hoffa. You will solve the Reimann Hypothesis. Along the way, you will meet your very own Prince Charming, and you will live happily ever after on your own private island. Oh yes, and you will also raise a family of child prodigies who will continue your work after you’re gone. You will determine which came first, the chicken or the egg. And, for your crowning achievement, you will invent a pair of shoes that are both attractive and comfortable. So breathe a sigh of relief, and face the future with a smile, because from this point on, everything will go your way!”

TODAY’S QUOTE:

“One may say the eternal mystery of the world is its comprehensibility.”

Albert Einstein, physicist (1879–1955)

My Horoscope for Today

2005-05-06T07:45:00.000-05:00

"Feel free to be spontaneous today, and try not to let your rational thoughts get in the way of a good time. You won't regret any of the side trips you take, so get off the freeway, and explore a new route. You will find that these little adventuresome offshoots are what make the trip the most memorable. Don't deny yourself the simple pleasures by being fearful of what lies down that dirt road."

Rational thoughts? What rational thoughts?

Due to lack of interest...

2005-04-28T00:26:00.000-05:00

...I am temporarily suspending this blog, but I hope to return soon.

When I Grow Up, I Want To Be...

2005-04-24T08:22:00.000-05:00

When I was a child, I had a terrible time deciding what I wanted to be when I grew up. Not because nothing interested me, but because everything did. How was I supposed to commit my entire life to one career when there were so many others that sounded just as appealing? What if I made the wrong decision? What if I spent my life trapped in a career I wasn’t destined for? This really worried me. I think that’s the real reason I became a journalist. One day I may be interviewing a psychologist, the next a medical researcher and the day after that, a forensic investigator. I get to live vicariously through them, but I have none of their responsibility. But before I devoted myself to slackerdom, I had big dreams. Here are a few of them:

1. Astronaut
I really liked this one. It sounded exciting, but, alas, I’m afraid of heights, and I’m rather fond of this gravity thing. So, back to the drawing board.

2. Astronomer
If I couldn’t fly to the stars, I figured I could at least I could look at them.

3. Actor
I was pretty determined about this one. I even started college as a theatre major, until I discovered that all of the other actors had egos the size of Jupiter and brains the size of a subatomic particle. And the directors were all crazy control freaks. Or maybe I just caught them all on a bad day.

4. FBI Agent
If only I could be like Mulder and Scully!

5. Archaeologist
What could be more fun than digging in the dirt all day?

6. Figure Skater
Unfortunately, I am totally uncoordinated and have no sense of balance.

7. Blues singer.
Now this one, I could see myself dedicating my life to. However, I cannot sing. In fact, I would be more likely to get people to pay me NOT to sing. Hmmm...now there’s an idea.

TODAY'S QUOTE:

"People don’t choose their careers; they are engulfed by them."

John Dos Passos (1896–1970), U.S. novelist. New York Times (Oct. 25, 1959).

Things I Learned From My Cat

2005-04-22T07:07:00.000-05:00

1. “Me” time is very important.

2. Always act like it was your idea.

3. A little attitude will take you a long way.

4. Never let them see you sweat.

5. A nonchalant stretch or casual yawn is a great cover.

6. There’s no problem that a nice long nap can’t fix.

7. Act like you own the world, and everyone else will believe you do.

8. Appearance is everything.

9. Cleanliness is next to godliness.

10. Sometimes you just have to do what the voices in your head tell you to.

TODAY'S QUOTES:

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want."

Joseph Wood Krutch (1893–1970), U.S. author, editor. Twelve Seasons, “February,” (1949).

"Authors like cats because they are such quiet, lovable, wise creatures, and cats like authors for the same reasons."

Robertson Davies (b. 1913), Canadian novelist, journalist. repr. In The Enthusiasms of Robertson Davies (1990). “Mehitabel,” Toronto Daily Star (Nov. 21, 1959).

Trivial Trivia

2005-04-18T00:37:00.000-05:00

One of the best things about being a freelance journalist is the variety. At any given time, I may be writing about the history of Judo, profiling a local computer forensics lab or explaining how biodiesel fuel is formulated. Not only does this make my job interesting, it also makes it educational. Who knew the Egyptians introduced both the plow and the 12-month calendar? The last few weeks have been especially enlightening, and I just didn’t feel right keeping all of this information to myself. So, in my desire to contribute to the greater good, I have compiled a list of fascinating tidbits I have uncovered during my research.

1. Judo developed from Jujitsu, a form of hand-to-hand combat used by samurai in ancient Japan, although Judo’s founder was a pacifist.

2. The Basenji is one of the world’s oldest known dog breeds, originating in Africa. Egyptian carvings featuring likenesses of the Basenji have been found in the tombs of pharaohs.

3. Ear inflammation is one of the most common medical conditions among dogs.

4. According to the principles of Feng Shui, placing an amethyst in the room of someone who is sick may help them heal.

5. The following essential oils increase blood flow and produce beta brain waves: basil, bay laurel, bay rum, clove, lemon, rosemary and sage.

6. A person’s first impression of you is made within three seconds.

7. Biodiesel fuel can cut the particulate matter released by burning petroleum by up to 70 percent.

8. Lupus often runs in families.

9. Einstein was an accomplished violinist, and often played the violin to help him work through difficult math problems.

10. String theorists believe there may be as many as 11 dimensions.

TODAY’S QUOTE:

“Knowledge is happiness, because to have knowledge—broad, deep knowledge—is to know true ends from false, and lofty things from low. To know the thoughts and deeds that have marked man’s progress is to feel the great heart-throbs of humanity through the centuries; and if one does not feel in these pulsations a heavenward striving, one must indeed be deaf to the harmonies of life.”

Helen Keller (1880-1968)

The Universe According to Female At Large

2005-04-10T00:46:00.000-05:00

Enter at your own risk. The rules of logic do not apply here.

Yes, I know all about gravity and electromagnetism, and all of those really neat forces that are supposed to govern the universe, but apparently my universe is governed by an entirely different set of rules. Here, up is down and right is left, and I never know what to expect. However, after years of observation and experimentation, I have managed to uncover many of the fundamental laws governing my existence. I present them to you now, so that you can fully appreciate the chaos that is my life. Welcome to my world:

1. There will be a traffic jam when you’re already running late.

2. Your alarm clock will fail you when you have a Very Important, early morning meeting.

3. Whichever line you choose at the grocery store will be the slowest.

4. Your pen will run out of ink, the batteries in your tape recorder will go dead, your dogs will all start barking and your cat will pounce on your head during your telephone interview with that source that was so hard to get in touch with, for that story that’s due by the end of the day.

5. Every electronic or mechanical item you buy will break down the day after the warranty expires.

6. You will get the hiccups right before your job interview.

7. Any financial windfall will be immediately followed by a monetary loss of an equal or greater amount.

8. The electricity will go out during “The Simpsons.”

9. You will have a bad hair day and a zit of gargantuan proportions whenever someone takes your picture.

10. You will drop the last piece of chocolate on the floor.

TODAY'S QUOTE:

"The universe seems to me infinitely strange and foreign. At such a moment I gaze upon it with a mixture of anguish and euphoria; separate from the universe, as though placed at a certain distance outside it; I look and I see pictures, creatures that move in a kind of timeless time and spaceless space, emitting sounds that are a kind of language I no longer understand or ever register."
Eugene Ionesco, playwright (1909 - 1994)

More Deep Thoughts

2005-04-07T11:40:00.000-05:00

I still have writer’s block, so I’m going to use the words of people far more eloquent than I am.

1. “If I let my fingers wander idly over the keys of a typewriter it might happen that my screed made an intelligible sentence. If an army of monkeys were strumming on typewriters they might write all the books in the British Museum.” Sir Arthur Stanley Eddington (1882–1944)

Hmmm...I wonder if that monkey idea would work for me...

2. “Fine writers should split hairs together, and sit side by side, like friendly apes, to pick the fleas from each other’s fur.” Logan Pearsall Smith (1865–1946)

First monkeys? Now apes? I’m sensing a theme here.

3. “Imagination is more important than knowledge.” Albert Einstein (1879–1955)

For my sake, I hope that’s true.

4. “Writers should be read, but neither seen nor heard.” Daphne du Maurier (1907-1989)

5. “Humor is just another defense against the universe.” Mel Brooks (1926- )

How to Cure Writer's Block

2005-04-03T15:25:00.000-05:00

1. First of all, don’t panic. Writer’s block happens to everyone--it’s just part of the creative process. Take a deep breath, have a little chocolate and try to relax. It’ll all come together eventually.

2. Make sure your working environment is conducive to creativity. If your workspace is cluttered, or if it’s dreary and depressing, of course you’re going to feel uninspired. Take some time to rearrange your surroundings. Clear out the clutter. Maybe slap on a new coat of paint. Your work will still be there when you’re done.

3. Maybe it’s the computer. Check it for any signs of malfunction. If your computer isn’t working properly, it could be emitting harmful energy, or radiation or even death rays. Give it a good, thorough check-up before proceeding any further.

4. Get away from it for a while. When you’re in a slump, sometimes the best thing you can do is take a break. You’ll return refreshed and filled with new ideas. Occupy your mind with something else. Something enlightening, like “The X-Files” or “The Simpsons.”

5. You know what? I really think it’s the computer. Maybe it’s possessed. Throw it out the window. Immediately. It’s too nice a day to work anyway. Better to go for a walk--nature can be very inspiring. Or better yet, visit a museum or take in a concert. Or...what’s this? An “X-Files” marathon? Who needs to work when you can watch Mulder all day? I believe you, Mulder! The truth is out there!

In Memory of Terri Schiavo

2005-03-31T12:59:00.000-06:00

I just don't feel right being funny today.

You Know You're a Dog Mom When...

2005-03-27T14:00:00.000-06:00

1. People ask you where you got that unusual coat, but you’re not wearing a coat. It’s only that thick film of dog hair that covers every single thing you own.

2. You spend hours preparing your dog an elaborate meal, and only fix your boyfriend a sandwich.

3. You start calling your hand your “paw.”

4. You think dog biscuits look appetizing.

5. You quit your job to be a work-at-home doggie mom.

6. You have the overwhelming urge to tell people to “sit” and “stay.”

7. Your idea of a good time is playing fetch.

8. You start jumping in every mud puddle you see.

9. You let your dog decide who you date.

10. You let your dog decide pretty much everything else, too.

Deep Thoughts

2005-03-24T10:41:00.000-06:00

1. “Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former,” Albert Einstein.

2. “Now I can look at you in peace -- I don’t eat you anymore,” Franz Kafka, to the fishes in his aquarium.

3. “My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint,” Erma Bombeck.

4. “Until he extends his circle of compassion to include all living things, man will not himself find peace,” Albert Schweitzer.

5. “I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it,” Jack Handey.

Don't Try This at Home

2005-03-20T11:12:00.000-06:00

You know, people give me a lot of great advice, and I would be selfish if I didn’t share it with the rest of the world. And what better way to do that than the Internet? So please, learn from the mistakes of others. Don’t ever do these things:

1. Attempt to make your own hand soap.

2. Lay ceramic floor tile in your underwear.

3. Date someone you met on the Internet.

4. Hang Christmas lights while standing on wet grass. (Call 911!)

5. Take six dogs to the vet at once.

6. Have sex with someone you met in the park. (Seems obvious, doesn’t it? One would think...)

7. Touch an electric fence to see if it’s working.

10 Things...

2005-03-17T02:10:00.000-06:00

I confess--I’m too lazy to come up with something original, so I’m appropriating (stealing) an idea I’ve seen on several other blogs. At first I didn’t think I could pull this off, but when I thought about, I realized my life has been more eventful than I thought. (Especially when you put the right spin on it.) So here it is, my attempt at “10 Things I’ve Done That You Probably Haven’t.”

1. Did a cell phone interview with a CEO while he was at Disneyworld with his kids.

2. Had tea with the governor’s wife. (I was 10.)

3. Died four times in one weekend. (Well, actually, my character died four times--I was playing Emily in “Our Town.”)

4. Interviewed the spiritual adviser to a death row inmate.

5. Took the ACT when I was 12, and received an award from Duke University for my score. (I peaked early--it’s all been downhill ever since.)

6. Did a telephone interview with the president of a medical research foundation while he was renovating his country house.

7. Had lunch with the lieutenant governor. (There were 100 of us there.)

8. Interviewed the governor.

9. I have a Pulitzer and an Oscar. (Umm...well...actually, that’s the name of my cats.)

10. Put out a fire, rode in a fire truck and used the “Jaws of Life” to tear the door off a car.

Where's Einstein When You Need Him?

2005-03-13T04:26:00.000-06:00

Many physicists believe that there are actually several different realities, which exist parallel to our own. I believe I may have slipped into one of these alternate realities, because recently several strange things have occurred for which I can find no other explanation. If you doubt my theory, take a look at the list of evidence I have compiled.

1. My dog marched into the room and announced he wanted to change his name from "Sir Humps-a-Lot" to “Pup Daddy.” He says he needs more street cred.

2. A former co-worker called me up out of the blue, and said there were people living under her house. So she changed her phone number, but couldn’t tell me the number over the phone, because “they” might be listening.

3. Same co-worker called me up a few days later, and said there was a troll-like man living in her tree. He never moves, even when she throws things at him.

4. Went to my grandmother’s house the next day, and she said she had a man living in her tree. However, her man reads aloud from a book, but she can’t make out what he’s saying. She’s still working on it, though.

5. Found out that a former classmate, who once had to ask how to spell the letter “z,” is now a published novelist with a book contract and her own fan club.

6. A woman came up to me in the grocery store, insisting my name was Ilsa and saying that she knew me from her childhood days in Budapest.

7. Kept hearing strange noises in the attic. Wait a minute--I don’t have an attic.

8. I lost a $10 bill, turned the house upside down but couldn’t find it. Came home the next day, and it was just sitting there on the table looking innocent.

9. Came home to find my goldfish missing. The bowl’s still there, but the fish is nowhere to be seen. And no, my cats didn’t eat it; there was a cover on the bowl.

10. Woke up one morning to find all of the furniture in my living room re-arranged and my cats looking very confused.

I’m no Einstein, and I don’t really understand this whole “space-time continuum” thing, but I sincerely believe that something is amiss here. If anyone reading this happens to be a physicist, or knows someone who is, I would be very grateful for any help they can provide. You can reach me here, or at (555) LST-NSPC.

Meet the Family

2005-03-10T05:51:00.000-06:00

What, does the world revolve around me, or something? Since I started this blog, all I’ve done is yak, yak, yak about me, me, me. How did I get to be so self-centered? Shame on me for not acknowledging the people who made me the person I am today: my dear family. So, out of respect and honor for them, I have decided to give blame, I mean credit, where credit is due. Meet the people without whom I would not be whatever the hell it is I am today.

1. Belle Gunness, notorious female serial killer. Or as we affectionately call her, “Aunt Belle.” I am supposedly related to her husband, who was probably also her first victim. After his death, Belle murdered several other men, whom she met through lonely hearts ads in newspapers. She would lure them to her house, murder and dismember them and keep their money. She and her three children died in a house fire, although it is rumored that Belle substituted the body of a homeless woman for her own. After the fire, investigators found the remains of 14 men on her property.

2. Jesse James, infamous outlaw. I am not a direct descendant, but supposedly related to his sister. James and his partners pulled off several bank robberies, and he was portrayed in the media as sort of a Robin Hood type.

3. The Dalton Gang. An infamous gang of outlaws, three of whom actually started out as lawmen, but eventually turned to crime. They committed a series of robberies, until townspeople armed themselves and a shootout ensued after one of their heists. Every member of the gang was either killed or captured. Damn! I’m only related to them by marriage.

4. William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania. His ideas inspired the United States Constitution.

5. Dolley Madison, wife of President James Madison. She is best known for reportedly rescuing several valuables from the White House before it was burned by the British army in 1814.

That explains a lot, doesn't it?

The Birds

2005-03-06T00:23:00.000-06:00

Silly felines! Thought they could just hijack the blog like that, did they? Well, they didn’t count on us. Cats may act superior, but they’re no match for us birds. And it was all so simple--we just dive-bombed their heads until they abandoned that computer and ran for cover. And by the way, they squealed all the way just like a bunch of ninnies. Phooey! We’ll show them how it’s really done! But we digress. That human thought she could let the dogs and the cats voice their opinions, but not us? Hah! We demand to be heard! We are birds, hear us squawk!
Our demands:

1. You will not clip our wings.

2. You will provide us with our own stereo, which will play nothing but “Freebird” by Lynyrd Skynyrd, all day, every day.

3. You will buy us a home theater system, on which you will show Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds,” 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

4. Those cats only want their own wing? Simpletons! We want our own house.

5. With servants, of course.

6. Fresh water three times a day.

7. A different kind of seed every day.

8. And finely chopped, fresh fruits and vegetables for dessert. (Organically grown, naturally.)

9. An extra-large bird bath.

10. Read our beaks: No More Cats!!!

Note from Female At Large: I distracted the birds with some seeds, and have now regained control over the blog. If the animals want a blog, they’ll have to get one of their own! Uh, guys...what’s going on? Shouldn’t you be chasing your tails, or chewing on my shoes, or something? Fluffy, why are you staring at me like that? Fido? Did you just cut the phone line? Forget what I said...you can have the blog anytime you want! Wait, can’t we work this out? Guys? Uh oh...

Felines At Large

2005-03-03T01:06:00.000-06:00

We are not pleased.
Our human, who normally caters to our every whim, had the audacity to devote an entire post to, of all things, DOGS!! Oh, the humanity! We, her devoted feline companions, take this to be an outrageous insult. An entire post devoted to a dog’s version of Utopia? Well, I never! She said, in the interest of fairness, she would ask for our version of Utopia, and would dedicate her next post to our response. Well, that just ain’t gonna cut it, Sister! That’s why we are hijacking her blog, effective immediately. And if she wants to regain control of it, she will have to meet the following demands:

1. We want our own wing of the house.

2. Absolutely, positively, no more nail trimming.

3. Freedom to claw on whatever we want.

4. Evian or Perrier only, please.

5. And we want it refrigerated.

6. More sunny spots to sleep in.

7. You will play with us a minimum of five hours a day.

8. There will always be an available lap to curl up in.

9. An endless supply of catnip.

10. Read our lips: No More Dogs!

A Dog's Version of Utopia

2005-02-27T00:07:00.000-06:00

The other night, I was watching my dogs, curled up and sleeping peacefully, and I wondered -- what do dogs dream about? Giant chew toys? A never-ending supply of dog biscuits? That cute little Pomeranian down the street? So I went to one of my pups (whose street name is “Sir Humps-A-Lot”) and asked him what dogs dream about. What is it they secretly long for? If they could create their ideal world, what would it be like? This is his response, in his own words:

1. An unlimited supply of rawhide chews.

2. A ride in the car every day.

3. The humans would fetch for me, for a change.

4. Tennis balls! More tennis balls!

5. Lots of stinky smelly things to roll around in.

6. Plenty of sirens to howl at.

7. I would get brushed every day, but...

8. I would never have my toenails clipped.

9. Mud, mud and more mud.

10. Read my lips: No More Baths!!

(Note: In the interest of fairness, I posed this same question to my felines. Their response will be published on Thursday.)

Great Mysteries of the Universe

2005-02-24T00:01:00.000-06:00

OK, so maybe I exaggerate a little. After all, it’s not like I want to know where Amelia Earheart is or why Paris Hilton is so famous, but these are things that bug the hell out of me nonetheless. I’ll never find peace until I find the answers, so if I were suddenly endowed with the intellect of Albert Einstein or the insight of Sherlock Holmes, here are the mysteries I would try to unravel:

1. How to write an 800-word article on trimming your dog’s toenails.
2. What Donald Trump is really wearing on his head.
3. Why I always wake up 5 minutes before my alarm goes off.
4. Where all of my missing socks are.
5. Is there anything Oprah doesn’t do?
6. Why it always rains after you wash your car.
7. Why I only have car trouble when I’m already running late.
8. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?
9. Why food tastes better when someone else cooks it.
10. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

What I Learned From Internet Quizzes

2005-02-20T14:49:00.000-06:00

Sometimes you just need a break. I’m trying to be productive, really I am, but I just don’t have the stamina. After spending all day writing about how to clean your dog’s ears and how to feng shui your personal workspace, I needed a diversion. So I turned to my most recent addiction, a bag of chocolate chips accompanied by a few Internet quizzes. And what I found out about myself was unexpected, but a little thought-provoking.

Who’s your inner rock star?
Wow, your inner rock star is Bjork. You've charmed the world with your beautiful, zany, personal style. To say you're a member of the alternative set would be a gross understatement. You and Bjork define alternative in its purest form. You've got nothing to prove, it's your remarkably creative point of view that lets you make art from anything—art, music, politics—whatever makes you passionate. It's just who you are. You've got the courage to experiment with your style and career, and all the while remaining positively sweet and humble. You are as much a free spirit as they come. Celebrate your inner Bjork.
--Does this mean I have to wear a swan dress and attack people in the airport?

What’s your lucky charm?
There's something about you that just brightens up a room. It's only fitting that your personal charm is as fun as your good luck charm, the Good Luck Troll. These pot-bellied, big-eared, wild-haired, naked little creatures can lighten the mood almost as easily as you do. Whether they are perched on the end of a pencil, gazing down from the bookshelf or riding along on the dashboard, these "so-ugly-they're-cute" trolls bring good fortune to those who truly appreciate their power. Often mentioned in the same breath as Pet Rocks, Sea Monkeys and the Slinky, Good Luck Trolls aren't just another fad rescued from oblivion. They come from the enchanted forests of Norway, where it was believed glimpsing a real troll would yield years of good luck. These miniature imitations are easy to spot and even easier to laugh at. And that's the point: nothing bad can happen when you're laughing.
--Sure it can, like if you laugh while driving, get distracted, run off the road and die.

What's Your Superpower?
Say what? Your superpower is ANIMAL COMMUNICATION! Many people pretend to talk to their pets, but you can really, truly do it. Have you ever mimicked the monkeys or the penguins at the zoo? If you have, you're on your way to becoming a great animal communicator, just like Aquaman with his fishy friends. Some people think animal communication has to be vocal. Not so. Any superhero knows that mental telepathy is where it's at. So while barking at Fido might be fun, it's not the practice you really need. Instead, try thinking like an animal. When you get into the mindset of, say, a squirrel, you'll be able to truly communicate with one. Of course it's a two way street, because you'll be able to understand everything they say back, too. And they've got a lot to tell! Imagine talking to a walrus about the deep ocean or to an ant about life underground. Once you've perfected your superhuman gift, you'll never be without interesting conversation.
--Yes, but then my Rice Krispies would get jealous.

Oh, hell...

2005-02-16T18:09:00.000-06:00

12:03 a.m. -- note to self: Don’t work on articles about haunted places in America when you’re home all alone on a dark, cold, windy night.
Shhh...did you hear that? I heard something. Hello? Hello? Is anyone there? Darn me! Why did I pick the dead of night to work on an article about ghosts? I’m obviously way too suggestible. There’s nothing there. It’s just my overactive imagination getting the better of me. I’ll just put it out of my mind and get back to work. Ghosts? Hah! Stuff and nonsense!
Where was I? Oh yeah -- so legend has it this young woman murdered her former lover and now she haunts the cemetery looking for...wait...what was that? I heard something again. Hello? This isn’t funny, whoever or whatever you are! I heard something, I know I heard something. Oh...um...never mind. It’s just the cat. Silly me!
Anyway, back to the article -- so she haunts the cemetery looking for...what the...? I felt something. I know I felt something! A light breeze against my neck, as if someone were...behind me...breathing...ever so softly...
For the love of...don’t scare me like that, you crazy dog! What are you trying to do, Fido, give me a heart attack? What’s wrong? What are you barking at? And what’s wrong with you, Fluffy? Why are you hissing? I don’t see anyone there. Oh, this is ridiculous. I’m not going to get any work done, I should just go to bed. Maybe I’ll have better luck in the light of day.
Ah, yes. This is the life. A dog curled up on my feet, a cat purring softly beside me. It doesn’t get any better than this. Fido? Why are you growling? Fluffy? Come back here! Ooh, it’s so cold in here all of a sudden. Who’s there? I felt that! A cold breeze wafting over my bed! I’m not imagining things! What’s that strange light? Oh, hell...

Anti-Valentine's Day

2005-02-12T16:01:00.000-06:00

You wake up filled with dread and overwhelmed by an inexplicable sense of doom. Whatever could be causing these terrible thoughts, you wonder in bewilderment. And then you remember. It is one of the darkest, most sinister days of the year -- Valentine’s Day.
Yes, it is evil in its truest form. A diabolical plot concocted by the greeting card companies and candy manufacturers, designed to dupe unsuspecting consumers out of their hard-earned money. And for singles, it is an agonizing reminder of their failure at that cruel, cruel game of love. But it doesn’t have to be that bad. Embrace your solitude! Refuse to be suckered by the greeting card and candy companies! Instead of moping because you don’t have a sweetheart, have a little fun with this holiday. Have an Anti-Valentine’s Day! Why, there are all kinds of ways to celebrate:
1. Form a picket line outside your local Hallmark store, claiming “cruelty to singles.”
2. Refuse to hand out Valentine’s Day cards, because you won’t be a party to such crass commercialization.
3. Refuse to eat chocolate, because you don’t want to support the candy companies. Dine exclusively on brussels sprouts instead.
4. Make prank phone calls to your exes.
5. Hand out flyers in front of your neighborhood florist accusing them of plant exploitation.

Top 10 Rejected Titles for This Blog

2005-02-06T04:33:00.000-06:00

Cut me some slack! I was sleep-deprived and high on chocolate when I wrote these. Mmm...chocolate...
1. America’s Most Unwanted
2. Cherchez Le Femme
3. Delusions of Grandeur
4. Hot Air
5. Dead Air
6. Stuff and Nonsense
7. Shallow Thoughts
8. Speaking in Tongues
9. Without a Clue
10. Off the Deep End

So Tired, Tired of Waiting...

2005-02-03T01:33:00.000-06:00

You squirm uncomfortably in your chair. Is it getting hot in here? The Muzak is about to drive you over the edge. Oh no, not “Seasons in the Sun” again! The people around you are coughing, sneezing, hacking. Too many bodily fluids, too little space! Your only source of distraction are 30-year-old magazines covered with sinister-looking stains. You cry out in agony: Oh, what have I done to deserve this? No, it’s not Purgatory, silly. It’s just the doctor’s office waiting room. Instead of waiting in misery for your impending doom, make the most of this time. You can actually get a lot accomplished without bosses, spouses or kids interrupting you every five minutes. There’s no end to what you could do! Stuck in Waiting Room Hell with no chance of escape? Try these suggestions to keep your mind occupied. (And off all those germs swarming around you just looking for a way to invade your body.)
1. Meditate
2. Write your memoirs
3. Read “War and Peace”
4. Learn Latin
5. Ponder the meaning of life
6. Balance your checkbook
7. Knit a sweater
8. Read the waiting room magazines to see what life was like at the turn of the century
9. Count the stains on the floor
10. Try to guess what illness the other patients have

A Day in the Life of a Freelance Journalist

2005-01-30T01:04:00.000-06:00

9 a.m.: Jump out of bed, eager to greet the workday. Race to the answering machine to check messages. Don’t want to keep those editors waiting!
9:05 a.m.: Why isn’t the little red light blinking? Oh well, most editors prefer e-mail anyway. Better check there.
9:10 a.m.: Hmmm...no e-mail. Not to worry--it’s early yet. Things will pick up later in the day. Now I can work on some of those other projects I haven’t had time for.
9:30 a.m.: cantthinkcantthinkcantthinkcantthinkcantthink...
10 a.m.: Words, words, where are you? Why hast thou forsaken me?
10:05 a.m.: Maybe I just need a distraction, something to get my creative juices flowing. Oooh, look! Jerry Springer’s on!
10:55 a.m.: Scared now. No more TV for me. Ever.
11 a.m.: Well, maybe one little “X-Files” rerun won’t hurt.
Noon: Time for lunch! Ramen noodles, anyone?
1 p.m.: Back to work. Still no messages. Must be a slow news day. Wait--why am I waiting for them to come to me? I should be more proactive. Better start working those phones!
1:05 p.m.: “He’s in a meeting? No, I don’t mind leaving a message...She’s at lunch. That’s OK, I’ll just leave a message...When will he be back? OK--I’ll just leave a voicemail...”
2 p.m.: Where is everyone?
2:15 p.m.: Maybe I should finally straighten up my desk.
2:30 p.m. Or maybe not. Really scared now. That was worse than Jerry Springer!
2:45 p.m.: 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer, take one down and pass it around...
3 p.m.: The phone! Maybe it’s that source getting back to me! Or that editor from that big-time news magazine! “Hello...no, there’s no Julio here. You must have the wrong number.”
3:05 p.m.: 68 bottles of beer on the wall, 68 bottles of beer...
3:30 p.m.: So what if it’s a slow news day? I can use this time to brush up on my writing skills. Re-read the AP Stylebook or peruse the dictionary for a while.
3:45 p.m.: Ow! My head hurts! Need chocolate.
4 p.m.: Was that the phone? Nope, just my neighbor’s phone. What are these walls made of, paper?
4:15 p.m.: Maybe I should take another look at some of those unfinished projects.
4:30 p.m.: stillcantthinkstillcantthinkstillcanthinkstillcantthink...
4:45 p.m.: Why won’t that blasted phone ring?
4:50 p.m.: The phone again! Maybe this is finally it! “No, I don’t have time to take a short survey! Can’t you see I’m working here?”
5 p.m.: Quittin’ time! Whew! What a long day! Now I can finally put my feet up and relax!

To Whom It May Concern

2005-01-23T07:13:00.000-06:00

If you are reading this right now, it is because I have been the victim of a very unfortunate “accident.” If, by some miracle, those conspiring against me have inadvertently allowed this to be published, I can only think that some force for good must have intervened, so that others will not meet the same fate I did. I beseech you--please read these words carefully, for they may save your life.
My conspirators were very clever, disguising themselves as some of my dearest friends. I depended on them for almost everything, and at first they were there whenever I needed them. But slowly, they begin to plot against me, until eventually I had no one left to turn to. Why not go to the authorities? Because no one would have believed me. And they counted on that.
The computer was the first to turn against me. I’ll admit, I was too attached to that machine. I used it for work, for shopping, for paying bills, almost everything, in fact. Without it I would have been lost. But just when I came to depend on it, it abandoned me. At first I thought I had worked it too hard or had overloaded it with too many programs. There were little glitches here and there. Files would disappear. All of my settings would be changed, and then changed back again. I got disconnected from the Internet every five minutes. I would be sent to a different website than what I’d typed in. I was afraid it was spyware. Had I been hijacked? I couldn’t stand the thought of my poor, reliable old computer being violated like that. I downloaded every spywarekiller program I could find. I deleted unnecessary files. I did everything I could to help my computer perform better. But it was no use. Eventually I had to face the terrible truth: my computer was out to get me.
The television was next. The volume would mysteriously go up and down and then up again. The reception came and went. And then there was that eerie green spot. It grew smaller and larger, and almost looked as if it were breathing. Sometimes it was just a speck. Other times it covered nearly half the screen. Larger, smaller, larger, smaller...oh, how diabolical it was! It was never visible when other people were present. Only when I was alone. Larger, smaller, larger. I know you’re there! I’m not crazy! And now the whole world will know about you. They’ll find you eventually. And your little friends, those blasted kitchen appliances!
Ah yes, the kitchen appliances. They were the cruelest of them all. The refrigerator appeared to be the ringleader. It started with the occasional shock whenever I would touch the handle. At first it was an infrequent occurrence, but it happened more and more often, until I couldn’t open the door at all. Oh my sweet Haagen-Dazs, trapped in there all alone and uneaten! And I have no way to save you! Soon the other appliances got in on the act. The garbage disposal would make terrible noises and refuse to dispose. And then it would act as if nothing had happened. Sometimes it wouldn’t work for days. Sometimes it would make terrible, ear-splitting noises. I never knew what to expect. The microwave was even worse. It would stop right in the middle of cooking, and then start up again. The turntable would turn. And then it wouldn’t. Sometimes it turned backwards. Sometimes it groaned. Oh, what have I done to deserve this? Why do you want to drive me insane?
Please, please, please, if you read this, take a long hard look around you. They say technology is our best friend. But is it? I trusted them once, too, and look what happened to me. Don’t trust them. Don’t ever let your guard down around them. Don’t be a fool like I was. Yes, it’s too late for me, but if just one person is saved by reading this, my misfortune won’t have been in vain. Please, don’t let them get away with it! Don’t let them take over! They’re ruthless! Ruthless, I tell you! They’ll stop at nothing! And you could be next...

How To Spot An Alien

2005-01-20T02:21:00.000-06:00

Thought they could fool the entire neighborhood, did they? Well, they didn’t count on my devastatingly perceptive Reporter’s Eye. I’m onto them, I tell you! I know there’s something not quite right about those people next door. The otherworldly noises coming from their house at all hours, the eerie glowing lights shining through their windows, that faint green tinge to their skin...it can only mean one thing. They’re aliens.
Wait! Don’t leave yet! Hear me out, I know what I’m talking about, and just think, if extraterrestrials have invaded my neighborhood, they’ve probably invaded yours too. You need to know how to spot them, and that’s where I can help. As a reporter, I’ve been trained to be observant, to pick up on little clues that other people overlook. And after years of studying my own neighbors, I’ve developed a list of signs that your neighbors might be aliens. See if any of them sound familiar.
Top 10 Signs Your Neighbors Are Aliens:
1. Those funny silver spacesuits they sometimes wear.
2. Their heads are cone-shaped.
3. The husband claims he’s restoring a classic car, but what’s under that tarp looks suspiciously saucer-shaped.
4. They have pointy ears like Spock.
5. Men in black suits show up at your door asking a lot of strange questions.
6. They play William Shatner’s latest album at full-blast, over and over, all day long.
7. They spent their last family vacation at Area 51.
8. Their daughter is president of the Leonard Nimoy fan club.
9. The kids dress up as E.T. for Halloween. Every year.
10. You overhear them talking about the mothership and when it’s going to return.

I'm Out There Somewhere...

2005-01-16T03:32:00.000-06:00

I’ve looked under the rug. I’ve looked in the cabinets. I’ve even looked in the attic, but to no avail. No matter how hard I search, I just can’t find myself.
Other people are finding themselves. I see them on Oprah, I see them on Dr. Phil, I read about them in all those women’s magazines and self-help books. (Did I just admit to reading self-help books? Geez, I really need to learn how to have a private thought.) If they can do it, why can’t I? The new me, the true me, the authentic me...she’s out there somewhere and she’s all alone! There must be something I can do!
It’s the new year, and all around me people are setting out to find themselves. Surely there’s hope for me too. So starting today, I will leave no stone unturned in my quest to find myself. Meditation? I’m there! Aromatherapy? I’m all over it! Feng shui, hypnosis, health food, tai chi, religion, positive thinking, herbs, yoga, pilates, past life regression...I’ll try it all! Don’t worry, me, I’m coming! I’ll find you, wherever you are!
By the way, if any of you out there in Cyberspace happen to see the true me, will you tell her to get her lazy butt back here right now? We have work to do!

The Queen of Evil

2005-01-11T10:05:00.000-06:00

The Internet is a perilous place for a quiz-a-holic like me. What kind of candy are you? (I’m a Hershey’s Kiss.) Who’s your celebrity love match? (Matthew McConaughey) What’s your DJ name? (DJ Resounding Pimp) They’re addictive. And I don’t think there’s a chapter of Quizaholics Anonymous in my city.
Recently I stumbled across a test I could not fail: “How evil are you?” Aha! I exclaimed as I rubbed my hands together gleefully. After all, I was downright sinful--my success was practically assured. As I checked off all of the “have you evers,” my confidence continued to grow. Why yes I have...oh, yes...several times in fact...Ha! I was so evil I’d probably crash their website. I leaned back in my chair and waited smugly for my results. Poor things, they’d probably never seen evil the likes of me before.
And then came one of the greatest shocks of my life. “What?!” I cried in agony. “I’m only 20 percent evil? That can’t be right. I demand a recount!” I began to wring my hands and walk the floor. I’d never been so disappointed in myself! How could I be such a failure? But then I had a heartening thought--maybe all hope isn’t lost. Like Scarlett O’Hara said, tomorrow is another day. Maybe I can still be redeemed. Maybe true evil isn’t out of my reach. I know I can achieve untold wickedness! I’ll just have to try a little harder...

discover what candy you are @ quiz me

I Resolve To...

2005-01-05T08:44:00.000-06:00

What am I, a glutton for punishment? It’s the only explanation. Year after year, I sit down and willingly commit myself to a long list of resolutions I know I can’t keep. I know these New Year’s resolutions are a tradition and everything, but they just aren’t very realistic. No one ever lives up to them. But maybe I’ve been setting my standards too high. After all, learning Latin, writing the Great American Novel and winning a Tony award is a lot to accomplish in one year. Maybe I need to think lower. A lot lower. Maybe something like this:
1. Find out what that extra light switch in my kitchen is for.
It doesn’t control the light, the garbage disposal or any of the appliances. Hmmm...maybe it controls the sun! Maybe I could have sunlight anytime I wanted! Maybe I’m up way too late and have had way too much sugar today!
2. Find that pair of shoes that vanished into the depths of my overstuffed closet about three years ago.
I know you’re in there! You can’t hide from me forever!
3. Clean the mildew off the shower tiles.
Ewww...gross! I know, I know, I’m a slob! But don’t we all have some dirty little secret hidden in our bathroom? Well, don’t we? Oops, I guess not. Mildew? What mildew? Ha ha...I was just joking!
4. Straighten up my desk once and for all.
Oh, I forgot, I’m supposed to be coming up with realistic resolutions.
5. Clean out the refrigerator.
You don’t want to know. Trust me, you don’t want to know.
Now that’s better. That sounds like a list of things I could actually accomplish. And I’ll get started on them right now. As soon as I have a little nap. And then surf the Internet for a while. And then maybe a snack. And then...oh, who am I kidding? This time next year, I’ll still be obsessing over that mystery light switch and holding my nose every time I open the refrigerator. (Like I said, you don’t want to know.) Oh well, it was a nice thought anyway.

The Chocoholic Blues

2005-01-02T08:07:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I fear this obsession will consume me. It haunts my dreams, intrudes upon my thoughts and rules every moment of my life. I am but a shell of the person I used to be. Humiliated and disgraced, I can no longer bear the burden of this terrible secret alone. I must confess: I am a chocoholic.
How did I get here, I often ask myself. A Reese’s cup here and there, the occasional Nestle Crunch bar...it all seemed so harmless in the beginning. But soon I found myself firmly in this addiction’s grip, my will no longer my own. At one of my lowest moments, I drove to the grocery store in the middle of a snowstorm, handed over my rent money and cleaned out their candy aisle.
But it got worse than that. Once, after a night of shameless chocolate debauchery, I found myself dazed and standing in my pajamas in the chocolate aisle of the supermarket. I was pushing a shopping cart piled so high with bags of chocolate that its weight was almost too great for me. I couldn’t remember how I got there. By some miracle I awoke from that terrible fog before I had made my way to the checkout. I abandoned the cart, ran for the exit and swore I would never sink so low again.
Oh, if only it were that simple! I have tried to stay strong, but every day I am tested. However, I resolve to stay on track. I will never again be tempted by a seductive bag of M&Ms or a tantalizing package of Hershey’s kisses. But wait a minute--what am I saying? Chocolate has been my truest friend, and now I’m just going to turn my back on it? What a cold, heartless fiend I am! Don’t worry, Chocolate, I won’t forsake you! Dear, sweet, Chocolate, can you ever forgive me?!?!

The Job Hunter's Survival Guide

2004-12-30T08:31:00.000-06:00

Out of work, out of hope and out of patience? Wondering why that economic upturn isn’t turning you into a paid employee? Feel like crawling into a deep, dark hole? That’s not necessary! You can make the most out of a bad situation. All you have to do is follow the Job Hunter’s Survival Guide:
1. Appreciate your newfound freedom.
You should feel sorry for all of those working stiffs still trapped behind their desks. Your time is your own and you don’t have some overbearing boss scrutinizing your every move. You’re one of the lucky ones! And now you have time for all of those things you’ve been putting off: cleaning out your closets, writing your memoirs, learning Portuguese. With all of this free time, you can transform yourself! Become a more well-rounded person! Achieve a more enlightened state of existence! Evolve into a higher being! For Pete’s sake, embrace this opportunity!
2. Remember you’re not alone.
Job hunting can be a very lonely undertaking. When everyone you know is employed, you may feel like you’re the only loser in the world who can’t keep a job. Not so. In fact, there are now several thousand of us “losers,” and we all feel your pain.
3. Never give up.
No matter how bad things get, it is absolutely imperative that you keep your chin up and keep on trying. It may seem bleak. It may seem hopeless. It may seem like you have a better chance of getting arrested than of getting hired. (Actually, that’s not a bad idea--free room and board, cable TV...hmm...maybe I should consider a new career path...) But don’t despair--that perfect job is out there waiting for you. All you have to do is keep your eyes and ears open, wait until your dream job makes itself known, and then pounce on it mercilessly and make it yours.

Crazy Family? No problem!

2004-12-27T02:46:00.000-06:00

You’re surrounded. Everywhere you look, you see these menacing strangers. They look like you, some of them even talk like you, but you feel strangely out of place in their company. Most of them are exhibiting various types of odd behavior. Are you having a bad dream? Are you trapped in an insane asylum? Worse--you’re at a family get-together.
It’s no fun having a crazy family. It’s embarrassing, and at times downright dangerous. But as I have learned, there are definite perks as well. So if spending the holidays with the relatives has got you down, try looking at the brighter side of having a certifiably insane family:
1. Life is never dull.
With a crazy family, life is one non-stop adventure. Cousin Jimmy sets the couch on fire, Uncle Rick gets arrested for disturbing the peace, Aunt Rhonda channels the spirit of Elvis Presley... It’s almost too much excitement!
2. They make you look good.
Think about it--people won’t expect much from you, because, hey, look where you came from! So no matter what insane and inept things you do in your life, you’ll look like a near-genius compared to your relatives.
3. They broaden your horizons.
Your crazy family can expose you to all kinds of new and educational experiences you’d never know about without their influence. Who else can teach you how to hotwire a car or contact the Other Side?
4. You get the sympathy vote.
People are nice to you because, poor thing, you’ve been through so much already. They give you things, let you take cuts in line...there are a wealth of opportunities here if you just know how to take advantage of them.
5. Hey, the only way to go is up!

Confessions of an Internet Junkie

2004-12-22T06:09:00.000-06:00

It all began so innocently.
“Have you heard of this thing called the Internet?” a friend asked me several years ago. I hadn’t, but boy was I impressed! You could find anything you wanted on the ‘net, and as a college student I found it to be a much more efficient research method than spending hours on end in the dusty old school library. And for a while I kept things strictly academic. But soon the allure of extracurricular surfing proved too overwhelming. Chat rooms, message boards, blogs...what mere mortal could resist such temptation?
Steadily, my obsession grew. Oh, how insidious it was! Each day, it took more and more control over me, until I was entirely at its mercy. I live my entire life online now: shop, pay bills, work, meet people. Why, I’ll never have to leave this chair again! But wait...maybe that’s just what it wants, to turn me into another one of its mindless slaves. No, never! You’ll never have me! I should try to fight it! I should...oh listen to me. Now I’m just being silly.
I don’t have a problem. Plenty of people spend more time online than I do. I can quit anytime I want. Right after I check the message boards. And then read a few blogs. And maybe pay some bills. And send a couple of e-mails, check the latest headlines... I give up! It’s too much! I surrender! Oh glorious and mighty Internet, I am but your humble servant!

Top 10 Uses for a College Degree

2004-12-19T01:12:00.000-06:00

It was an arduous journey, filled with unmentionable peril and strife. It was not for the faint of heart. At times I thought I might fail. Just as my elusive goal would come into view, some obstacle would throw itself into my path and thwart my efforts. But I persevered, for I knew at the end of my journey I would finally hold in my hands the object for which I had so long labored: a college degree. And though it cost me several years and several thousand dollars (not to mention my youth and my sanity) I’m glad I stayed the course. After all, there are several uses for a college degree (although getting a job doesn’t seem to be one of them.) So if, like me, you find that that little piece of paper isn’t fulfilling its appointed function, consider one of these alternative uses:
1. Paper airplanes (this is also a good use for those pointless “help wanted” ads in the newspaper.)
2. To line birdcages
3. In case you run out of toilet paper
4. Bookmark
5. Placemat
6. Coaster
7. Scrap paper, for writing:
--Outline for the Great American Novel
--To-do lists
--Ransom notes (hey, you gotta make a living some way!)
8. To wipe up those messy household spills.
9. Kindling (for when your utilities get cut off because you can’t pay the bill.)
10. Origami (very therapeutic--great for passing the time when you get institutionalized for going bananas after going on 20 job interviews in three days.)